Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
