If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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