theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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