he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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