I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
