There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
last night I used snow as a chaser
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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