Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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