Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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