Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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