Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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