What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
