I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
