My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
