My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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