Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
