My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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