I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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