I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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