Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
