Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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