My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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