i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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