she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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