sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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