watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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