Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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