Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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