i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
