he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
