i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
