Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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