I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
