So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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