I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
