??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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