you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
