Someone shit on the floor
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
