i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
