I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
