singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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