u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
