I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
