y did u give ur computer a hand job?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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