problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
