I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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