We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
