I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You can't just leave with hair like that
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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