there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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