if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
