there's paper in my vomit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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