even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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