I wish I could teleport
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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