so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
