Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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