he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
