im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
