i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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