he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
