I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
