you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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