It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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